Quick question. Do you ever feel like you’ve been left hanging. Do you ever find yourself amidst a heartache or struggle in your life and you feel lost?
Breathe. You’re going to be okay. God does not promise easy days, life without trials, or days without grief. He does promise not to leave you and that there is a time coming where all will be better it just takes patience and faith in Him. A little part of my own struggle with faith came about when I was 15. Story time! At this point I might add a TW for self harm.
It was November 2014 I was 15 years old and started to notice some back pain. I was holding onto hope that maybe just maybe it was going to be a growth spurt. In reality I also thought it was just hurt from giving my little cousins some piggy back rides at Thanksgiving. January rolled around and I was just enjoying watching TV with my family and was laying on the floor. I started to get up when an immense pain struck and took every ounce of strength I had. My family eventually got me up and took me to the ER. After a wait of five hours I was finally seen but the pain had subsided enough they acted as though I was fine. Within just a short period of time the pain became more and more present all of the time. I was going to physical therapy, having blood drawn and going to regular Dr. appointments. From January to August it was test after test with no relief and no answer.
August rolled around and my doctor told my parents to take me to the children’s hospital that was a little drive away. We got there and I was finally given an answer. Amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome, AMPS. What? Okay so I’ll continue to go to physical therapy, I’ll go to counseling for stress management, and I will get past this. Here’s the thing they had told me that had I been older they’d diagnose the pain as Fibromyalgia but that since I was only 16 I should be able to overcome the pain (within more recent years Doctors have now been calling my pain fibro). I was feeling confident and ready. Then I started to see the eyes of nurses and hear their voices saying, “Oh honey I’m so sorry this is going to get worse before it gets better.”
I did not let that stop me. I did the things I was told, but eventually everything I was doing wasn’t enough. I started settling into a dark place. I was the high school girl who couldn’t get dressed on her own, I was slower than all of my friends, if I got hurt and went to the ER the nurses looked at me as though I was lying about the pain, and my own family was scared to hug me. I was losing who I was and I wanted so badly to blame God.
I had long painful nights of crying and silently screaming at God asking what I had done to deserve this pain. I prayed He would take it away. When I felt that I had been left hanging I turned to cutting because at least there was pain I could control. I dreaded each day I woke up wondering when I would feel like myself again.
Eventually I started hearing the voices that told me I was strong and that God still loved me when I was broken. I might not have gotten the answer I wanted, but I was never alone. I can say that I’m here still living with chronic pain and that this pain does not own me anymore. Isaiah 40:31 (ESV Version) says, “but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.” Revelation 21:4 (ESV version) says, “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” I know that soon will come a time where there will be no more pain so for now I will live my life for Christ knowing the promise He’s made for me.
(This is a pic of me near the beginning of my journey with fibromyalgia. Would you believe this girl was actually in really bad pain?)
